XXX section to open in Newman Library

For three years several departments in the Weissman School of Liberal Arts have twisted the nipples of the Newman Library for the instillation of an erotic literature and film section. Once a department from the Zicklin School of Business joined the fight, the Newman Library could no longer disregard the need for a sexually explicit media section.

Such classes as Psychology 3540: Abnormal Fetish Development, Psychology 3541: Exploration of Sadomasochism and Bondage, Biology 3131: Erogenous Stimulation Techniques and Literature 4530: Erotic Visual Novels have all desperately needed various forms of visual, literary and even animal-based erotic media.

In fall 2007 the management department will institute a new class, Management 4150: Fundamentals of Sensual Online Organization, which has finally prompted the Newman Library to action.

It is depressing to see such favoritism towards the business school, while President Kathleen Waldron claims to stress the equality of both schools.

The section will open on the south-west quadrant of the fourth floor, converting a large study room into a secluded, dimly lit filth-pot. Since some freshmen below the age of 18 enter the college, a second form of identification will be checked near the beaded entrance by a bulky bald man named Ivan.

Materials will be available for borrowing, but removal of genitalia imagery, excess lube on video tapes, engraving of moral condemnations or especially sticky pages will result in fines or even genital mutilation.